Surviving As A Single Parent Blog: Emotionally Intelligent Questions
I spoke in my Podcast recently about something called “Emotional Intelligence”...
And just to recap, it’s one of those things that can’t be taught... Just like having “street smarts” can’t be taught... there are a few things in life that you simply learn on your own.
I was thinking about this in relation to being a Single Parent, and what that meant to me personally.
It’s those moments of reflection where I get my best ideas or find a way to overcome a particular challenge.
But I also made a discovery recently that I wanted to share with you...
And this applies both directly to the day-to-day grind of Single Parenting as well as a more “esoteric”, “put a pot of coffee on and let’s have an all night dicussion”... ha ha.
I talk about this in my book, but it’s worth mentioning in a little more detail here.
And that’s the concept of Self-Language based on the questions you ask yourself.
I know, I know... this sounds a little “woo woo” on the surface, but having the ability to morph your reality via your language is quite amazing!
Not only is it amazing (and I’m not using that word lightly), it can change the state you’re feeling in literally seconds once you’ve mastered it!
So, let me give you a real world example how this applies to YOU:
Let’s say that you’re dropping off your daughter at your Ex-Partner’s house. You quickly find a place to park and without even thinking about it, you forget to feed the parking meter.
After even just a quick exchange and making sure your daughter is comfortable you arrive back at your car to discover a parking ticket!
And not only did you forget to pay the 25 cents for parking, you accidently parked over the line!
Now you hold in your had a ticket for $48.00!! And it’s due before your next payday!
Yikes!
It’s at this time that you start to feel your chest get tight and maybe you feel pressure in your forearms... Then the “language machine” kicks on in your head...
“Man, I should have... “... or
“Ugh... If I only I’d “...
You get the point.
When you FEEL this coming on immediately STOP. Pay attention to your state and realize that you’re slipping into a negative place.
All of sudden you feel dull and start to think about how putting in a quarter in a machine would have saved you from having to pay a ticket.
In this particular example, think of it as your contribution... take the negative state and turn it positive.
So, the emotionally intelligent question you’d ask yourself is more like a statement in this case:
“Okay, so I messed up... no biggie. I’m now making sure that my daughter has a place to play in the park... It’s my little bit of financial contribution back to my city.”
And this might sound like simply “thinking positively” about a situation... and in a sense, it is, but in this case you are giving your internal language a positve place to reside in... a state where you’ve shifted your initial negative thought pattern and replaced it with a positive one!
Okay, now that you have a sense of this, let’s do an example how this applies to your children...
Say that you just poured a glass of Orange Juice. Your four year old daughter is in the living room and is watching cartoons...
She isnt’ paying attention and accidently spills over the orange juice all over the new carpet.
Of course, your instant raction is to get angry and clean up the spill yourself.
And this is natural... I mean, hey, that’s exactly what my parents would have done.
In this case I’d grab a few towels and request that my daughter help me clean it up... All the while saying “Accidents happen and let’s be more careful when we have juice in the living room”.
When it comes to discpline for something like that, a “good” kid is going to beat themselves up more that you ever could about an accident... Those are natural reactions from a child.
Of course, keep in mind that this is contextual... I’m not advocating avoiding discipline... As you already know, discipline is effective for some instances... and in this example, spilling the juice was an accident.
The bottom line comes down to this... when you feel states of negativity creeping up, and you’re aware this is happening, the emotionally intelligent answer is to change the questions and statements you are telling yourself.
So, as your carefully asking yourself the “real” questions within the proper context, remember that we’re in this together, learning lessons along the way.
I’ll talk to you soon,
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